CLERKS 2 REVIEW

“Clerks” arguably Kevin Smith’s best and most critically loved film was something unique and breathed a bit of new life in cinema for me. Sure it’s full of dick and fart jokes but once you wade thru those (all the while laughing your ass off) you will find a really great movie. Twelve years and 5 movies later, Kevin Smith has unashamedly gone back to the well and made “Clerks II”. The gist is Dante and Randal are now in their thirties the Quik Stop has burned down and are forced to start working at a Mooby’s fast food restaurant. Dante’s about to move to Florida and get married leaving Randal alone in Jersey. With this flick you get the same hilarious dick and fart jokes and all the movie/comic book/geek talk but with a mature (somewhat) Smith back in control. The story has purpose and the guys are dealing with real issues of friendship, growing older, security, and relationships all through the guise of Transformer talk, racial slurs, and Buffalo Bill impersonations. The cast here is great. The additions of Rosario Dawson (Becky the clerks’ boss) and newcomer Travor Fehrman (Elias the teenaged virgin geek) are welcome and add a lot to the cast. The “clerks” have more people to play off of and most importantly it works. The dialogue is great and really shows why Smith is a decent writer. Most of the plot keeps chugging right along but it does slow down a bit at times when it focuses on Dante’s love triangle between his fiancé and Becky. Every time there would be a lull there would be 30 seconds of Jay and Silent Bob hitting me with a laugh-til-it-hurts moment which gets you right back into the movie. All and all this is a worthy addition to the Jersey ViewAskewniverse films…and this one even has donkey sex. Grade: B

Hulk Review: HULK NO UNDERSTAND MOVIE. HULK NO GET MOST OF THE JOKES IN MOVIE.HULK LIKE JEDI’S, HOBBITS, AND CHIN-CHUN-CHUNN-CHA ROBOT OPTIMUS PRIME. WHY CAN PEOPLE NOT LIKE ALL OF THEM? WHY DOES MOVIE START IN BLACK AND WHITE AND THEN GO TO COLOR? IS THIS THE SEQUEL TO THE WIZARD OF OZ? WHERE ARE THE FLYING MONKEYS? HULK NO UNDERSTAND WHAT A PORCH MONKEY IS. IS THAT A FLYING MONKEY WITH NO WINGS THAT LIVES ON A PORCH? WHAT DOES A BROKEN BOTTLE GOT TO DO WITH BLACK PEOPLE? WHAT IS THAT PERSON DOING TO THAT DONKEY? WHERE IS DOROTHY? HULK SO CONFUSED.

Bobo’s Review: Bobo love dis moobie. Bobo love the way people talk in dis moobie. The one thing Bobo not understand was why did stoopid people think that skinny blonde chickie was hot. That chickie was so ugly even Bobo won’t beat off to her. Becky Mexican chickie was way hotter. Bobo’s favorite part is watching that Becky Mexican hot chickie’s boobies bounce up and down while she dances. Bobo would like to see a moobie of just her boobies bouncing. Bobo could die happy then.

THE DESCENT REVIEW

The Descent is a low-budget horror movie that has been hyped as one of the scariest movies of all time. For me the movie did not live up to the hype but it did have some legitimate scares. Here’s the setup “An all-girl group of thrill-seekers go spelunking in the Appalachian Mountains and get lost in a cavern where pale, hungry things live.” Either you like movies like this or you don’t. I personally enjoy the hell out of fun horror flicks. Most of the time there are plot holes (this being no exception) but I’m usually able to suspend my disbelief and sit back and have a fun rollercoaster ride good time. Claustrophobia is a primal fear and this movie plays on that fear to where you want to run out of the dark theater desperate for some light. Well I say this until the “creatures” show up. I would have preferred a more realistic storyline about six friends trapped underground trying to escape out the darkness fighting mother nature along the way and forget all about the “creatures”. When the “creatures” arrive the movie then because your basic hack and slash thriller we’ve all seen many times. Your only involvement now is the guessing game of “who will survive”. Sadly, Lions Gate has cut the ending of this movie and replaced it with something far inferior. If you do end up seeing this movie I recommend searching for the original ending on the internet. It greatly enhances the movie. US Ending Grade: C British Ending Grade: B-

Hulk: HULK NO LIKE THIS MOVIE. HULK SCARED OF DARK. WHEN CREEPY CRAWLY GROWLER THINGS SHOW UP HULK GET SCARED AND COVER HULK’S EYES. HULK THEN SEE NOTHING BUT DARKNESS AGAIN BUT NOW HEAR BITING AND SCREAMING AND HULK NOW EVEN MORE SCARED. WHY MOVIES LIKE THIS HAVE TO BE MADE. HULK WOULD RATHER SEE FUN HAPPY TIME FUN MOVIES LIKE “KINDERGARDEN COP” OR “SHAGGY DOG”. AFTER HULK GO SEE THIS MOVIE HULK WENT HOME AND HAD HARD TIME GOING TO SLEEP EVEN THOUGH HULK’S WATCH SAY SLEEPY SLEEP TIME. HULK LAY IN BED AND TOSSED AND TURNED ALL NIGHT. FINALLY HULK FALL ASLEEP. HULK WAS HAVING ONE OF HULK’S FAVORITEST DREAMS. IT’S THE ONE WHERE A FLUFFY BUNNY RABBIT NAMED CARL HOPS UP TO HULK AND LETS HULK PET HIM. THEN FLUFF BUNNY RABBIT NAMED CARL AND HULK BECOME BESTEST BUDDIES AND WE HOLD HANDS AND SKIP THROUGH A GRASSY MEADOW. ONLY THIS TIME WHILE WE WERE HOPPIN’ AND SKIPPIN’ IN THE MEADOW SOME CRAZY HOODED CREATURE WALKED UP TO CARL AND PULLED BACK THE HOOD TO REVEAL A HEAD THAT LOOKED LIKE A ZIT WITH A MOUTH. THE MOUTH THEN BITES THE HEAD OFF OF CARL. BLOOD SHOOTS OUT OF THE STUMP WHERE CARL’S HEAD USED TO BE. THE BLOOD SPEWED ALL OF HULK AND EVEN ON HULK’S RIPPED YET STYLISH PURPLE PANTS. THEN THE ZIT MOUTH MAN COMES OVER TO HULK AND RIGHT BEFORE HE BITES HULK’S HEAD OFF HULK WAKES UP. GOOD THING CARL WAS THERE TO FEED ZIT MOUTH MAN FIRST.

Bobo: HOLY F**K!!! This movie kicked Bobo’s ass sideways and then knocked Bobo’s dick in the dirt. Bobo loved dis moobie. Hot chicks fighting weird underground albino baby mole guys that eat folks and crawl around on the ceiling and screaming like run over cats is Bobo’s idea of a really good movie. The only thing that could make this moobie better is if the hot chickies got nekkid and then started kissing each other (ummmmmm hot nekkid chickies kissin’). After moobie was over queerboy Mikey fartbutt told Bobo about some other ending of the moobie. So Bobo fired up the Porno Express (aka compooter) and downloaded the real ending of dis moobie. After seeing this mucho better ending the other ending made the moobie seem like rainbows and unicorns. Make Bobo want to throw up.